I stumbled on my old blog, reading a friends.  I really haven't been on here in a LONG time.  Life has been very good these days.  Read some amazing books that helped put life in check for me. 

I'm still at home, mothering my now, four year old, twin daugthers who I think should just stay four.  It scares me to think how quickly the time as past.  really, it does flash before your eyes.  People come in, go out, like the wind, ever changing and unpredictable.

I've learned a lot this year, and realize you are always learning, but you chose if you learn the lessons behind the event or not.  You chose if you want a better life, a second chance, or if you want to keep going through the same old song and dance.

I've done such good reading, and writing these days.  We all have our bits of insanity, times we feel we have no control and worry about what others think of us.  the big change for me this year has been making it through those times without feeling beaten down.  Now, if those feelings enter me, I don't try to push them away, but rather let them be.  I write it out, let it out, instead of keeping it in, or blowing up.  When I write it out, it makes sense, I calm myself, and let it go.  I mean it, I really do let it go.  It seems too easy, but it really is just that.  Don't try to push yourself into a direction you don't want to go, but rather BE there, with those feelings, observe them, and how you feel, how your body feels.  It's liberating.

Anyway, I may get back to this blog thing.  It was fun in the past, and reading tonight is like reading my history, and also a measure from where I was, and how far I've come.

 

Whoo!  MSN let me into this old blog!  Amazing!  My computer would crash every time I tried to open this thing!  Now I can open it and update!  So, what has been going on these days!

Got back from Toronto safe and sound!  That was totally a wonderful experience!  I won three centerpeices at lunches, got two other peices to take home, and then, b/c of going to conference, I got free stuff that they shipped home!  Amazing!  I also went to a Blue Jays game where they beat the Yankees 15-4!!!  IT was SO great!

Most of my days were filled with conference stuff, however, I did manage to get to the Eaton's Centre to power shop!  Bought some great stuff, and had a blast all the while! 

The girls stayed with my brother and his wife, and they had a great time, watersliding, playing outside, all sorts of good stuff!  Brent batched it for a few days, and that was good for him too, other than the fact he forgot how to cook!  Poor boy!

The flights were good.  I wish there was a direct flight with WestJet, to Toronto from Saskatoon, but there isn't, so I flew to Calgary and then to TO.  I know there is a direct flight for Air Canada flights, but I didn't want to fly with them.  This worked out just fine anyway. 

SO, now, with all this pumped up energy, I am setting big goals, and making waves in my life, for the better!  It's all good baby!

Not much to report these days, hence the blog absence.  Anyway, life seems to be trucking along, at a fairly busy pace.  Brent is taking his last weekend of First Responders this weekend, which I thought sucked b/c it's May long, but the weather is shitty, so he may as well be inside taking that anyway.  Went shopping yesterday.  Yeah, spent lots of cabbage, which I am so good at!  Ha, ha!  Actually, I was buying some stuff for the dayhome (which is going great, very busy, but great).  I bought the girls clothes for their birthday, from Old Navy.  They sure had some cute stuff!  My girls were quite the shoppers!  Picking up stuff and asking if I liked it, then trying to match up outfits!  THey aren't even three yet and doing this!  What Diva's!  Ha, ha!

Mother's Day was nice.  Got a beautiful basket of petunias from the local greenhouse, which I LOVE!

Um...what else...

Started two new dayhome kids this past week. I was stressed on Monday, as it was rough, but then things turned out great, and I had tons of fun! 

Brent is super great, although the girls and I sure miss him.  Yep, he can never leave, we miss him too much! 

New dresser and armoire are in!!  Looking sweet in my bedroom!  Honestly, our bedroom has become my favorite room!  It stays so much cleaner and I feel totally organized!  Brent loves it too, so that's great!  My lil Julia said "mommy, your room looks perfect!"  What a sweetie to notice!  It does look "perfect!"  Just need to buy those mirrored closet doors and it will be completely done!  Oh, and some blue accessories (on the hunt for those), to make it more beach-like.  I went with the beach theme since the paint is called "sandcastle" brown.  Then the furniture is black, and I figured a nice blue would accessorize just fab!  Loving it!

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Better go curl up to that good book I have waiting for me!  Ah....I am going to relax!  Funny thing about the dayhome, it is working full-time, going great, but EXHAUSTING!!!!  Ah well, I am just glad I am self-employed!

Until next time, Keep fit and Have FUN!

Today is a monumental day for me, and our family.  Back in January, we decided I would not be returning to the workforce, until the girls are in school (depending on if we have another child or not).  So, the decision was made that I would start a dayhome for kids.  Since the decision was made, I have to say, it took a huge weight off my shoulders.  The depression that once sucked me in, was no longer there, and I started feeling my self-worth coming back.  Now, folks, the day is upon us, when I have my first day with the dayhome kids.  I know there will be some challenging days, but who doesn't have those?  Any job, no matter what you do, has it's stressful moments.

 

Now, what does the title of this blog have to do with this entry?  Well, when I was a kid, we were often taken care of by caregivers.  So, this really is full circle for me.  Once taken care of by others, now taking care. 

 

I have had a wide range of reactions to my "career change", from "good for you" to "I could never do that!"  or "I wouldn't want to do it!"  Well, all I have to say is, we all decide our career paths, and if you feel good about the decision, that's great.  If you don't, make a change.  I made a change.  I think it is a respectable one.  Yes, no everyone can handle other peoples children, but remember, other peoples kids are better for the babysitter, than they are for their parents!  I had a "trial" run, earlier in the year, with a little girl, the same age as my kids.  It went well, so I know this is a good choice for me, and my girls.  I honestly feel so happy about this decision!  I have complete faith that things will go well.

 

FYI, The Secret is still working in my life, all the time, and with even greater momentum these days.  it's awesome!  Man, who woulda thought just thinking good thoughts could bring about so much change, for the better!  I am getting my dresser, armoire and matching mirror.  I ordered them last night, and at first, I was kinda scared about spending the $, but I did win splurge, which is $200, and have found $40 in cash, just lying around, then I have four partylite parties to close which will give me $800, so that is more than enough to pay it all of by next week!  Sweet!  It's not like it was a hasty decision, as I've had this set picked out for many months, and been "visualizing" it, feeling it, and even have the napkins I want to set on top!  It is coming, it is!  AND, it will be completely paid off by the end of MAY!  Sweet!

 

Well, that is my update for now.  Have a great week folks!

I have no voice!  Seriously, I really don't.  The voice I do have is very small and sore.  It's crazy!  I seem to fight off one cold only to get another a week later.  This year, and the end of last, I have battled sinus infections, and colds like a mad woman!  Any tips to make me healthy are appreciated!

 

This weekend was a busy one, but a great one!  We went to a wedding Saturday, great time!  Sunday we lounged around, I started to get sick, and I did go to Yoga.  Friday was spent at a PartyLite conference, which was great!  I have decided to go to the National conference in Toronto, which is very exciting, as i have never gone to Toronto before.  Brent is going to come at the end of it, so we can spend some time in Toronto together.  I told him it's his 30th birthday present as we are going in August, just before he turns 30.  Very exciting indeed!

 

Not much else new here.  Last week was so crazy busy!  I start my dayhome on April 30th, which will be lots of fun.  Hoping this weekend we can construct a sandpit. 

 

The kids are good.  Still throwing horns like the badasses they are!  hehe!

 

Have a great week all!

Lots going on these days.

 

First off, I will start with the PartyLite!  It's going well!  Yesterday I had my Starter show, and had a nice turnout.  I have many outside orders, and with that, I will receive a LOT of free stuff!  Very exciting!  I know I will have much success with this wonderful company!  I know it's kinda expensive, but remember, you are buying quality, and there a no better candles out there!

 

Next, is the walks.  I love that the snow is finally going away and we can get outside much, much more!  The kids have being playing in the puddles beside our yard, (which seem to be the only puddles left on entire street, lucky us!  Boot fulls, I am learning how to dry out rubber boots, and think "There must be a better way!"  The swingset we can get to, and the kids are enjoying.  Yesterday we took the girls for a bikeride (pulling them in the bike trailer) and man, that is a workout!  Then, they wanted to test out their own bikes (ones they got from Auntie & Uncle last  year for their birthday).  We went around the block.  Funny, Joelle can peddal like crazy, but not steer, Julia is the opposite.  She'd rather use her feet and push the bike along, and steers great!  Mesh it into one and you have a great bike-rider!  ha, ha!  It will come, it is only their first attempt this year!

 

Snow is melting, finally!  In SK this year, we've had 7 months of snow.  Yep, absolutely disgusting!  No wonder everyone is saying it was such a bad winter, I agree!  Saskatoon was 23 deg on Saturday!

 

Went to a wedding on Saturday evening, in the city.  The girls were SO good!  Actually, speeches were long, but really funny.  Joelle & Julia were pretty tired, as their Auntie Lindsay had them outside for a couple of hours, playing at the park, while Brent and I did some shopping, kid free!  Boy, that was NICE!  Anyway, during speeches, Joelle fell asleep, with her head on the table!  Looks more like she passed out!  Julia was under the table, contently playing (thank God I was with my old boss and his wife, who were telling me they were so good).  Julia was also throwing horns, which she has picked up these days; I wonder from who?  Ha, ha!  She's being doing that these days, and even did it for Grandpa!  He didn't know what she was doing, and when she "threw horns", so did he, and she laughed!  Crazy kids!

 

So, here is a freaky thing:  I 've been practicing using "The Secret" that book about The Law of Attraction".  Anyway, I have been envisioning a dresser with a mirror, that I want.  I envision it with so much detail that I have three napkins placed on it, two brown ones and a turquoise blue one (my room is brown).  So, I have yet to actually get the dresser, but I know it is on it's way.  However, I did receive the NAPKINS!  At Cindy's wedding, her give-aways were NAPKINS, two brown ones and a turquoise one!!!  Coincidence?  I think not!  Very awesome indeed!

 

Friday, I went to St.Brieux, where I used to work, for lunch with a friend, and visited a couple of other friends there, and also went to see Brent's new swanky cubical!  It was such a great time!  That afternoon, I had my friends two boys, and we all played outside! 

 

This week is proving to be a busy one!  Today I am going to try and close off as many orders as I can.  Tomorrow, I am headed to Rosetown, as my sister-in-law isn't out of the hospital yet (they aren't sure if she has an infection or if it's a blood clot, but nonetheless, she's been in there 11 days now, and is getting depressed.)  Zak is a good baby though, so that is a blessing.  I am going down, kid free, to try and cheer her up.

 

Wednesday I meet with my team leader to close off my show.  Thursday, I am babysitting my friends two boys again.  Friday I have PartyLite meetings in the city.  Saturday, I have a wedding reception.  Sunday, nothing!  Thank God!  Life is busy, but good busy!

 

Well, I guess that's my update for now.  Hope all is well with you all!

Easter is coming and my children have some rather intersting requests for the Easter bunny.  First off, Julia seems to think the Easter Bunny bring Curtains!  Yep, I don't know why, but it's true!  too funny!  Gotta love kids!

 

Joelle has asked that the Easter Bunny bring her a pool!  haha!  I know the Easter Bunny has an abundance of chocolate, but for some reason, I don't think there is anything about curtains or pools in the deal!  haha!  Makes me laugh!

 

I guess I will have some disappointed kids on Easter Sunday, when there is no pool or curtains.  Aww!

Oh do I feel like shit.

Like an elephant is running over my body.

Verge of puking.

Take care of two sicks.

This suck.

Went shopping yesterday and got some good deals!  Bought some outdoor solar lights, from Canadian Tire, for $30!  Regular price:  $89.00!  Sweet deal!  I bought three, one for me, one as a birthday present, and one for a wedding present!  Good deal!  Then, I bought a clothing rack, which I am going to use to hold kids clothing, and for the garage sale I am planning to have at the end of April.  I am actually planning the garage sale right now!  I'm going through the kids clothes, again, today, and hanging them all up, then will price them.  I will give some away too, to my family, but I need to desperately get rid of some of this stuff!  It's just piling up in my basement, and if any of you know me, you know i HATE clutter!  My basement feels WAY too cluttered to me right now!  I am going to have the sale at the end of April, or first weekend in May.  I figure i will hit early as there are a lot of die hard garage salers out there!  hehe!

 

Brent finished the kids play room this weekend.  The trim wasn't looking as good as it should and Brent is quite picky with that, so he redid it and it looks awesome!  Last night we put up all the pictures, a monkey clock, and "ZOO" hooks.  Looks great! 

 

We are still waiting for baby.  My sister-in-law was induced 3 times on Wednesday night/Thursday morning.  Poor girl.  They think the baby is big (we are thinking it's just tall and looks like a big baby).  Anyway, if she doens't go into labour this weekend (which it isn't looking promising), they will try the induction again tomorrow.  We shall see what happens.  I am not great at waiting.  When they were in the hospital, I was going crazy, waiting for any tid bit of info!  I guess I am getting a dose of my own medicine as I was techinically in labour for 62 hours (from the time my water broke until they were born), so I can now picture how they felt waiting.  Hopefully we meet the new baby soon!

 

Oh, and get this!  My brother and his wife didn't want to find out what they were having (well, she did, but agreed not to) and they didn't have their regular doctor on Thursday evening.  Anyway, he came in and told them!  Yep, he thought they wanted to know, so he told them!  Aaron told Dea that she always gets to open her presents early!  Pretty funny!  Anyway, they aren't tell us, which is driving me insane!  haha!  Funny, funny!

 

Um...what else do I have to write here.  Glad it's April, although it's cold here today.  Supposed to be cold all week, which sucks.  It's also my brother, Aaron's, birthday today.  A fool baby!  Speaking of April Fools, I fooled Brent this morning!  How fun!  He got me back though, good job Brent!

 

Off to go fool some unsuspecting people!

 

Have a good one!

 

 

Life has been good these days.  Girls = good.  Brent = Good.  Weekend down home = good.  Kim was great this weekend, which is probably why I am so happy today.  We had a nice birthday weekend for her.  My sister-in-law and brother and due with baby anytime, which has me excited!  It's their first and I know they will be great parents!

 

Today I took care of my friends two little girls.  It was fun and busy.  Keeps me outta trouble anyway.

 

Anyway, I don't really have much else to report yet.  When I have something exciting to tell you, I'll write it here.  Until then, Keep Fit and Have FUN!

Life is good....

 

It really is.

 

Good night

I am happy to announce I am 29 today!  No, no, not 29 and holding, but actually 29!  haha!

 

I look forward to aging, as for one, it means I am ALIVE!

 

For two, it means I am almost through my 20's, and those years can be confusing and fucked up, so I am happy to be approaching the 30's.

 

With age comes a quiet wisdom I see in many, not all, but many.  I am grateful I feel comfortable in my own skin, that I don't' have to prove something to anyone but myself!  LIfe is good, actually, it's great!

 

29 years young, and loving life....what more could I ask for!

March has been okay, thus far, weather wise.  A few slips into weather that shouldn't be this cold, and then up again, to melting.  I wish it would settle out on the warmer side already, as I know this is why I caught a cold.  *wearing spring jacket when I should have the winter one on still*

 

Brent took me to Red Lobster Saturday night, as a pre-birthday celebration, which was great!  Of course,  him and I barely ate anything until we got there, so we could really gourge!  And gourge we did!  haha!  It was freaking unbelievable!  Gotta love sea food!  Roads sucked bad though, but it was totally worth it for RL!

 

Some friends came over for a bit, when we got home, which was nice.

 

Sunday, we didnt' do much.  Yoga/Pilates as usual (she has really kicked it up a few knotches!  I hurt!)  I did, however, do our taxes Sunday morning, to a nice surprise that we are getting a good refund, so that always perks me up!

 

Monday I went shopping with the Mother-in-law and my girls.  Bought two new shirts (actually my mother-in-law bought one for me for my birthday)

 

Did I mention my birthday is tomorrow?  29!  Yes, 29 years young and I am excited about life again!  I have some concrete goals, which are looking good.  I read the book, "The Secret", which has had a substantial impact on my life.  I am trying to apply the "Positive thinking" and "Law of Attraction", and it does seem to be working!  Loving life I tell ya!

 

Brent starts his new job as Purchaser tomorrow.  I am sure today is bittersweet for him.  he did a great job at what he does now, and loves the people he works with.  However, I am sure he will still be in touch with everyone, but it won't be like it was. Change can be scary, but I know my amazing husband is going to kick some ass at this new job too!  They are lucky to have him!

 

Tonight, we are headed out to our friends house, for supper and cake (all this early birthday celebrations and I don't think there will be much left for tomorrow, maybe I'll order Chinese or something!)  Anyway, I am looking forward to it!

 

I also start babysitting full-time soon, which is very exciting!  I am really enjoying it so far, and the girl I take care of is a good little girl.  Plus, with the weather warming up, it will be great to take everyone outside more often!

 

I guess that's all for now.  Hope you all have a great week and hey, it's SPRING tomorrow!  Yes, my birthday is the first day of SPRING!  Celebrate by having some drinks, okay?

Ah.....the air is fresh....crisp, clear, and full of new possibilities.  Slowly, people are coming out of hibernation, you are seeing your neighbors, that you haven't seen all winter!  The birds sing and seem to have Spring fever!  Honestly, those stupid birds, they're acting like horny teenagers!  I clip at least one off, on my way to the city Saturday!  lol!  Stupid birds weren't watching where they're going, and honestly, I can't swerve for a bird. Sorry, not going to risk my own life, or my family, for a bird!  Anyway, the melt is on, and I have to say, it's been a LONG winter!  Not that it's been terribly cold, but the amount of snow has been insane!  Even though it's melting, and temps are descent, for now, I can't get excited  until I actually see some grass!!!!!  HAHA! Who am I kidding, I'm damn excited alright!

 

So, our weekend was fun-filled!  We went to the city Saturday, did some Costco shopping, got some dress clothes for Brent (for the new job), visited Peter & Joanne, went swimming with the girls, Brent and the girls went to Dave's for a bit, and I headed off to my splurge group.  It was a busy, but fun day.  Didn't get home until 12:30 am.  Yesterday, I lounged around for a bit, napped with the kids, worked on my sister's scrapbook (her b-day party is this weekend and I still don't have that scrapbook done!!!!!!), then off to Yoga & Pilates.  I am hurting from that man!  I gotta tell ya though, the old bod is looking mighty fine compared to a month ago!  Lost 8 lbs, been doing lots of outdoor activities (with the kids that is), curling, pilates, yoga, and eating a bit healthier (but still allowing myself to indulge in the finer foods).  The system seems to be working, so that's awesome!

 

As for this week, not sure what I have planned yet.  Kids and I will be outside lots, I am sure.  The weekend is busy as we will travel to see my sister and family. 

 

That's my update for now folks.

 

Have a great week!

So, lets recap this week, shall we?

 

Monday, nothing really exciting happened. 

 

Tuesday, LOTS happened!  First off, I had my friends two daughters, which was fun.  One is two, and the other, nine months.  I had them for a few hours, and it was lots of fun!  That day, for some odd reason, I had chest pains, off and on.  It was getting tight, then releasing.  I didn't panic as I figured it was my chest muscles, as I've felt this before.  By the end of the day, however, it was getting bad.  So, I called my inlaws, one took me to the hospital, the other looked after my girls.  When Brent got home, he came to the hospital, and his dad went back home.  They did an ECG, and x-rays to find that my heart was skipping a beat, due to muscles spazing.  Shitty feeling I tell ya.  Nothing serious, but just to lay off lifting kids, etc, for awhile.  Got some pain meds, and went home. 

Tuesday was a good day, b/c Brent found out he got that job he had applied for, within the same company he is currently with!  It's fantastic!  He's wanted this for SO long, and now, it's like a dream come true!  His boss applied for the position, as did several others, but Brent got picked!  I know he will be sadly missed as he runs the receiving area quite well, BUT, this is a new challenge!  He will certainly be an asset to the Purchasing team!  We've also being going through his clothes to see what will be suitable for him to wear to work, once he starts this new position.  I think it will be time to go SHOPPING!  Sweet!  I did kinda feel bad though, as I was lying there, hooked to a machine, in a hospital, when Brent came in, and he was so mixed up with emotion.  One side, as happy as a clam that he had great news about the job.  The other, scared that something was seriously wrong with me.  I knew there wasn't, but better safe than sorry, as the hospital isn't open in the evenings, as there is no doctor on call, so it's better to get checked out while they're still there.  I kinda felt like I ruined his good news, but in the end, we are both happy about how Tuesday turned out!

 

Wednesday:

 

That morning the girls went to their grandparents house for the morning.  I was exhaused, and still feeling those "spazams", and just couldn't do it.  I picked them up at noon, and went to the mailbox, where a life changing book, that I bought off Ebay for $15, was waiting for me.  I don't know if any of you have heard of "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne, but it is LIFE CHANGING!  It's all about  your outlook on life.  This book has some great ideas about bringing into your life, what you want.  It talks about negative feelings drawing negative things to you.  The law of attraction.  The signal you send out, and what you get back.  Quite good!  I have only read 45 pages, but they have been 45 great pages!  I highly recommend it to you all!!!!!!

 

Thursday:

 

We played outside for three hours!  Yes, folks, three hours!  Made three snowmen (one was a snowbaby - the girls idea), threw snowballs, went for a walk, played on the swingset, and just had fun sliding down the mounds of snow surrounding our yard!  My friend, and her seven month old son, Trent, came over yesterday, once we got inside the house.  Joelle was so played out, she fell asleep watching Strawberry Shortcake.  We had a great visit.  Her little guy is so cute! 

Last night, I went curling, and it was great!  I loved every minute of it!  Nice to see my friend, and enjoyable to think that I can actually CURL!  Wonderful!

 

Friday:

 

So, far, so good.  Not much planned for today, although I am sure we will head outside for another three hour stint.  My friend, Alisha, called me to tell me TIM MCGRAW AND FAITH HILL are coming to Saskatoon!  That totally rocks my socks!  Very excited!  I love Timmy!  I saw Faith HIll before, she was great live!  So, we are going to go together.  Tickets will be expensive, I am sure, which kinda sucks, but oh well.

 

Saturday:

 

I have my splurge group, so I am headed to the city for that.  Not sure what else we have planned for the weekend.

 

Anyway, that's my week in a nutshell.  Hope you are all having a happy, positive, week!  I know, I am probably making some of you puke with my perkiness (hey if my boobs can't be perky anymore, something has to be!).  Anyway, buck up my friends, SPring is almost HERE!

 

Oh, yeah, and TIm Horton's Roll up the Rim to WIN is back!  Get rolling!  FYI, some person invented a device that retails for $2.50 to make the rolling process much easier. 

 

Have a great weekend! :)

After the week from hell (sick and grouchy kids = grouchy momma!), things are starting to look bright!  First off, Brent and I painted the girls toy room.  Brent did most of the work, but I did paint three walls, only the first coat.  Looks great though!  Thanks Brent!  The girls are very happy with the change.  Julia tells us it's "beautiful!", so it's all good.  Finally, I have my livingroom back, which is great, as I hate stepping on toys!  *grrrr*

 

I went to a shower last night.  That was fun.  Was supposed to go to the stag/stagette, but we didn't have a sitter, so that kinda sucked.  However, I have now gotten the cold the girls had, so it's probably a good thing I didn't stay out 'till all hours, and get drunk.  Although, it may have killed this nasty bug!  *cough*

 

March is here, and thank God we're almost done this crazy winter!  It just keeps snowing though, which is driving Brent and I crazy!  Poor Brent  has to drive in it five days a week, which sucks.  Just glad to hear there are "showers" in the forecast, but lets just say I'll believe when I see it.  Did you know Environment Canada has been wrong before?  LOL!  I know, it's shocking!  Lets hope they're right this week!  By Wednesday, looking for the + temps!  After a long, cold, snowy winter, I think we deserve an early Spring!  That and the girls are itching to try out those new rubber boots! *rolls eyes at thought thought of all the mud*

 

I guess that's our weekend in a nutshell.  Today, my plan is to nurse this stupid cold thing I've got, relax, and perhaps take a nap. *zzzzz*

 

Have a great week everyone!

Wikipedia describes Denial as:

 

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimisation) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference). The concept of denial is particularly important to the study of addiction.

 

I have been thinking of this word today, and what it means in my life, to me.  You can pretty much deny anything you want to.  You can talk yourself in, and out, of things.  You can deny them.  You can justify actions with it.  You can "skid" through life in the comforts of denial.  But, can you really?

 

It is only when you ask yourself those tough questions, about your life, your family,  your decisions, and face the authentic truth, when denial, is infact released of it's control over you.  Denial is very controlling.  It tells you that just b/c you are buying a bigger sized pant than normal, that it is okay.  Just forget about it.  Don't worry about it.  Denial tells you that just b/c you have no money in the bank and can't sleep at night, you can still go on a vacation out of your "price range".  Denial can also comfort you with unrealistic justification of how you live your life.  It can allow you to treat someone badly, because you do not either accept or see it as treating them bad, no matter how that other person feels.  Denial is about your feelings, and not others.  Denial, itself, is an addiction.  You get addicting to avoiding, to believing in the "what you can't see, can't hurt you" theory.  Denial is a selfish protection.

 

I have to admit, obviously b/c I am only human, I have denied many things in life.  Mainly, I deny things out of fear.  Fear of anger, rejection, punishment.  I would rather deny them to others, smooth things over, and avoid the issues, that deal with it.  I tell myself this is okay.  I tell myself that I don't deserve good things in life b/c I never had them.  I tell myself that I want good things, but subconciously set myself to disappoint myself again, resulting in hammering home my skewed belief that I don't deserve good things.

 

I actually have a good example of coming out of denial.  In a previous relationship, I was in complete denial about it being over.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I did not want to accept, what everyone else could see for months.  I wanted it back, even though it wasn't love.  I wanted what I could not have.  Once I had distance, and saw authentic love in it's true form, seeing others in loving relationships, I learned that what I had was in fact, tainted.  It wasn't what I wanted.  My denial of not deserving to be treated better than I was, was lifted.  Literally, I felt liberated.  I changed my beliefs.  It was austounding, that, once you let it go, and come to terms, the right thing comes your way.  I was blind it it.  Not accepting, not wanting it to be done.  I was denying it.  However, the release of this denial brought about strong winds of change.  It forced me to look within, examine what was going on with ME.  The creation of a new, stronger, much more focused person, was created.

 

You see, you can also deny who you are.  You can deny yourself of what you truly need.  I call it sacraficing yourself for the belief that this is, in fact, what you NEED.  It's protection, but not in the best way.  You protect yourself from the truth, and when you do that, it's a dangerous game.  When people say they were blindsided by life, by what happened, can you really say you were truly not seeing it coming?  There are certainly some circumstances where this is true.  You are blindsided.  But, there are many more that are not.

 

When my sister got sick, and was actually diagnosed with the illness my mom has, I felt like I fell from the top of the highest tree.  It slammed me into the ground so hard I couldn't breathe.  I could see straight, my vision had been refocused, and what I saw was indeed, what I did not want to, for years.  It hit Brent hard, yet he wasn't taken back like me.  Why?  Because he knew.  In his heart, he knew.  This is an example when I used denial to protect myself from a hurt to great to deal with.  I used it to protect myself from deep, inpending pain.  I justified it with other terms, like she's dislexic, she's just slow, she's mimicing my mom for attention.  I had an excuse, and therefore, excused it.  I was forced to hear the truth.  I didn't like it.  It took me out of my protective bubble.  It actually burst it completely.  How uncomfortable is that?  VERY!

 

In conclusion, denial is part of everyday life.  You can chose to use it, or chose to reject.  I am trying to reject it.  Trying to live with the authentic truth, and become a stronger person because of it.  I chose to leave denial in the past.  Sure, I am sure it will creep in here or there, times when I just can't face it.  but, I do hope that when it does, I still see the other side of the fence and decide not to deny.  For living a life in denial, isn't living a life I want to live.

You know, there is a certain amount of comfort one feels, talking about their failures, weaknesses.  It's much nicer to talk/write about all the happy, positve things in life.  however, I have something I do need to get off my chest.  It is something that hasn't been easy for me to deal with, and while I was in it, it was unbearable.  I am talking about Depression.

 

From the time I heard my mom's autopsy results, in late June, to near the end of December, I was depressed.  This is not common for me.  Many of you know, I am the "caretaker" not the "taker".  I help, but don't need to receive.  This, of course, is wrong.  I needed things, but I didn't know what.

 

For the first time in my life, I needed people more than ever.  Usually, I get by with my own brain, my own decisions, and my own thoughts.  This time, I couldn't, which was new, and scary to me.  The depression came as a surprise.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, hurdling themselves at me, spuratic, and hitting pretty hard.  It was not like me.  This funk was not what I am used to.  Brent wasn't used to it, and honestly, b/w him and my girls, they kept me going.

 

I had honestly never been that far down before.  I was scared, sad, and all alone.

 

Why am I writing about this now?  Well, because I feel once I write, it is true.  I don't write false or made up stuff.  I like to write my authentic truth.  This is it.  I was in a depression like I had never experienced.  It was the worst feeling I ever had.

 

I remember being at the lake, with my girls, husband, friends, & family, and just not feeling happy.  Instead, I felt anxious, scared and sick of it all.  I look at my pictures from then and see the emptiness I felt.  If you look at them, in my eyes, you can see the sorrow.

 

The trigger was my mom's autopsy results.  I pushed, and pushed, and tried and tried some more, all to get one huge disappointment.  It hit so hard, it set me into another universe.  I wasn't ready for t he blow.  I wasn't prepared for my feelings.  I just wasn't.  Since then, I have made peace with everything, but up until December, I hadn't.

 

How did I get past it?  Well, I tried the antidepressants, which didn't work.  They were awful for me, personally.  My good friend, kelly from Calgary, helped.  I knew she knew how I felt.  Thank you for your support Kelly.  Of cournse my husband Brent was a constant support.  You know, we will be married 4 years soon, and I really did marry my best friend.  I leaned on him, I needed him, and he was there.  He was so concerned for me.  He would ask me "honey what can I do to make it better?"  Then just let me cry if that's what I needed.  His love, and the love of our daughters, got me through.  I had to be well for my children.  I didn't want them to lose me like I lost my mom.  I didn't want them to grow up with that same emptiness I did.   My dear friend, Angie, took me to the doctor.  Even though the antidepressants I was given didn't work, the dr. did recommend me to a therapist, which I still seek counciling from.  She was there for me.  She knew how I felt too.  My mother-in-law was there, helping with the kids while I felt scared to be alone.  She was truly a treasure at this time.  You don't need a sworm of people, offering advice, but what you do need is a few key people that love you, and want to help, in the kindest, most non-judgemental way.  I had that.  I always wil.

 

Why did I get depression?  Well, certainly a trail of incidents lead me to this new level (mom's results, being laid off work, stress), but no one asks for depression.  The important thing is our loved ones and ourselves, see it.  We need to treat it.  It isn't something that just goes away.  You have to work at it.  Even though medication wasn't the answer for me, I still did something, which was just as good for me.  I sorted out my life.  I took accountability for my actions.  In lots of ways, I know I was lead here for a reason.  You know how they say the best counselors are the ones that have been there themselves?  Well, I know I would love to be a counselor, but this is part of why I needed to learn what depression was.  It makes you more compassionate towards those suffering.  It makes me feel stronger as a person, knowing I have learned so much from it.  I understand my sister better now.  I understand much of my family, actually, as most of them have had bouts of it now and again. 

 

My therapist was and is amazing.  She really did help me so much.  I could cry, genuinely cry from my heart, and not fear judgement.  No questions that I wouldn't answer, no fear.  I let go.  I let myself be vulnerable.  I let myself  be scared.  She led me into myself, a place I treck, and am not unused to going, but she took me so deep, I honestly can't remember ever being that far inside myself.  Painful experience? Yes! Scary,? Damn rights!  BUT I came out of it.  I don't have to fear, lying in bed, waiting for the nerves to set in, a restless sleep, a racing heartbeat.  That is how I felt, off and on, for five months.  It's over now.  I can talk about it.  I can say I made it through.

 

I may get it again sometime, but every hard experience we go to, helps us along the next hard path in life.  I also have my mom, on the other side, cheering me on.  She is always helping. 

 

Thanks to all of those who read this.  It is my truth.

Well folks, can you tell March is coming?  By far, the WORST month of the YEAR!  I like it b/c it's my birthday month, and it also bring Spring.  I know, it's not March yet, but man, the bad weather is coming a bit early this year!  Okay, blizzard/winter storm watch issued for Central SK, which doesn't include us, but we are literally, on the border of it, which means, we will likely see it.  I really hope NOT!  This weekend is my ONE weekend this year, that is JUST FOR ME!  It's a total GIRLS weekend!  Going to Rascal Flatts with my best friend, Lindsay.  Then staying at her house, hanging with some other friends Saturday, and then off to Splurge, which is bowling!  Lindsay is hosting Splurge too, so we are spending a real weekend together!  Kid free!  Um...yeah, i'll believe it when I see it.  Something tells me this storm is going to F*cuk up my plans.  Shit.  I hope not.  If it does, I will curse her to the damnation of firey hell!  ONE WEEKEND, that's all I ASK!

Pray for me, k? Thanks.

There is something to be said for outdoor exercise in the Winter.  For 3 weeks, Saskatchewan was in the deep freeze, so to speak.  Half way through February, it finally broke, bringing nice temperatures b/w -10 to -1 celcius.  To us, that is warm!

 

It was hard to get through those three weeks in the freezer.  you feel couped up, cabin fever creeps in,  your mood swings down.  You feel like a sitting duck, not able to enjoy the bright, sunny days.  To top it off, it wears on the childrens nerves who don't seem to comprehend that we really can't go outside when it's -39, until you do have to make a jaunt downtown to get something, and the most outdoors the girls see is the walk b/w the house and the van (which I pull up beside the house).

 

Why do we live here again?

 

Oh yes, b/w I love it, minus the cold.  The summer is also much more appreciated when you have suffered through the winter.

 

Alas the cold subsides, the warmer temperatures bring on thoughs of an early spring.  Finally taking the kids outside, playing in the snow bring you back to your childhood.  You go for walks (even if my walks consist of pulling around 2 27lb kids), enjoying winter for awhile.

 

March is almost here, and by far, it is usually the month with the most snow.  I hope not, last year we had a storm every few days.  It was insane!  however, when March comes, I do know, we don't have much longer before the snow melts, puddles form, kids play and get dirty, longer days, and much more enjoyable times ahead.  

 

Thoughts of spring keep me going.  The girls and I planted tulips this past fall, so we hope to see them poke their heads out early this year!  Actually, if I can get my hands on some potting soil, the girls and I are going to plant some tulips today, in plastic containers.  Perhaps bring spring on a bit early!

 

I am also thinking of what to plant in my garden at the farm this year.  I think my newest addition will be a couple of rows of flowers.  They make a garden so much more pretty.

 

Ah yes, Spring will come, snow will melt, puddles will be jumped in, and fun will be had!  Until then, keep playing in the snow.  Make the best of what we've got, and enjoy your life.  You never know when it's over.